I'm finally really back at work.
I definitely eased off bereavement leave slowly. Really slowly.
My first week back I worked only 1 day.
Second week- 2 days of work followed by 3 days off again.
Normally that snail's pace of a schedule would have driven me to idle madness. Surprisingly not the case here. After only a short 6 hour shift I felt unnaturally drained and weary. I had/still have a lot of difficultly focusing and remembering details. It's like bereavement leave knocked me full of dumb.
My alertness has picked up, but my mindset towards work has changed. I'm not sure how to articulate it and I want to avoid sampling cliches like 'colors seem brighter' or declaring I'm a whole new person from having death touch my family.
My thoughts are just dwelling a lot on the future, and the people in my life and my career. Right now where I'm working I would not call that a 'career' per say. I'm entering the 6th month of working sporting goods retail and by now I thought I'd have some clarity on what I want.
But I don't.
I don't know if I would have mental resolution at this point if Papa had not died. There's no way to tell. The only thing I know right now is that I don't know anything.
Sometimes, not knowing anything is the most exciting. It lets you do whatever you've ever wanted to do because you'll try anything at all to see if it's what you want to do for the rest of your life. Does that make sense? Gays don't make good sages...
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